We all look back on the past and wonder three things: “what could have?”, “what should have?”, and “what would have?.” Today, I am looking back on these three things more so than I ever have before.
One year ago, everything was 100% different. I had a job I enjoyed, I was living life like there was no tomorrow and I had just started a relationship with a person that, I thought, was my entire world. I still like to live life as much as possible. Just not like one year ago. I am no longer working that job I enjoyed. And that person, well, that person is now a book full of memories with a side of broken heart.
How do we know when it is time to move on? Do you wake up one day and just know? Does it come to you in a dream? Does anyone have the answer? If so, please share because I sure don’t. It has been 6 months and I still don’t know where to start. Memories come and go, questions linger and feelings come in waves.
He gave me so many new discoveries about myself but took so much more. He opened my inner traveler, helped me discover a different confidence and made me realize you can love something more than yourself. Although I still hold onto these things, he took 80% of everything else. Happiness, love, emotion, feeling, etc.
You wonder how you can possibly ever find these things again. Maybe you never do. Maybe it just takes more time. Maybe it is right in front of you but so far away at the same time. The word “maybe” is such an open word with no closing. It leaves so many questions, thoughts and feelings unanswered. There is ALWAYS a maybe. And maybe that is the point. We aren’t ever going to have the answers we need.
One thing I know, I have been so focused on finding that girl that I was WITH him. What I need to focus on is figuring out who I am WITHOUT him. I will never be that 22 year-old girl happy and in love, again. Sure, I will get both again one day but not in that exact sense. Who knows what age I will be when I find love again. Finding who I am without love will be my main priority when that “move on” light turns on.
Until that moment, I will still live my life, I will search for my own happiness in any way I can. And I will find that love again. Maybe I am met to find it with myself, first. I won’t know when it will happen. I won’t know how it will happen. Hell, I don’t even know IF it will happen. But I do know it is an open-ended maybe. And for once, I am okay with that. Life is a game of “maybe’s.” When you finally except that, that will be the day you know to move on. And that day, will open up a whole bunch of maybe’s you never saw coming. I don’t know much but, what I do know is, I will look for to my “maybe” day. And when I find it, it will be a day I will be happy to finally share. ❤